Clown insect.

A beetle with a pattern that looks like a clown mask.

I've always been afraid of being disliked and hide my true feelings, or I've been deliberately saying and doing stupid things even if I'm laughed at and hurt in order to attract people's attention.

Or, when I am unintentionally ridiculed, to alleviate my grief,I desperately assume, "I chose such a role, so it is not pathetic."
I desperately told myself that I was being included by being laughed at, and after that, I deliberately behaved in a playful manner and made myself look poor.

On the other hand, if this kind of experience continues, I will unconsciously brace myself out of anxiety, and I may have deliberately joked or acted stupidly to others in order to measure (test) "how far this person will not despise me". Horrifyingly, this has become an increasingly unconscious habit. Even if the habit is secretly overlooked, or even despised because of it.

I still have a sense that I am not good at "making equal friends and associates," and I often stumble, thinking that the reason why I often stumble is because of repeating such things. A mental insect created to face such weaknesses and pains and live together.

When I put them into shape, it is reassuring to feel that these things that I had been worried about until now somehow seem like my friends.